


when this kiss is over it will start again / it's hard to imagine

by bigembarrassingheart



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Canonical Character Death, First Kiss, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21851011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigembarrassingheart/pseuds/bigembarrassingheart
Summary: Ponyboy goes to visit Johnny's grave, and finally tells the truth.
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Ponyboy Curtis
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91





	when this kiss is over it will start again / it's hard to imagine

Ponyboy walked down the rows of graves in the cemetery, blinking sun and sleep out of his eyes. It had been a few months since he last visited - not his fault, with school, and Soda and Darry on his back about grades - but he still found the grave with ease. He sat down on the grass, and took a deep breath.

“Hey, Johnny. Shoot, it’s been a while. I guess I can’t ask you what you’ve been up to.” A small laugh escaped his lips.

“My hair’s finally lookin’ alright. The whole gang keeps telling me I look tuff, I guess to make me feel better.”

He took a deep breath, considering his words. Even all alone in the secluded graveyard, the thought of saying it out loud was terrifying.  
“Everybody talks, you know? No one can say we’re not keepin’ you and Dally’s memory alive. But most of my memories of you, my favourite memories of you, I can’t tell anyone about.” He stared at the ground, starting to cry. “And it’s like they’re just burning a hole through me.” The tears were really coming now. God he was glad Darry wasn’t there. 

“Like, all those nights we spent not talking, cause you couldn’t go home, and I needed to know you were safe.” Ponyboy lit up a cigarette, and took a deep drag. “Fuck, man, I think… I think I loved you. No, I know I loved you. I think, I think…”

Ponyboy slapped his head. “Why is it so hard to say, Johnny? You know this story. Look, I think…” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I think I was in love with you. 

“Hey, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe it’s a good thing you-you’re gone.” He put out his cigarette, carefully, and immediately lit another one. “I couldn’t even tell Soda the truth. Now, I can force myself to love someone else.”

More tears. He wiped his nose on the back of his hand, but it felt wrong to wipe it off on the grass, so he just let it dry. 

“I’m sorry, Johnny, I’m sorry. I don’t even watch sunsets anymore. Why are us greasers always dealt the lousiest cards?”

Ponyboy stretched out alongside Johnny Cade’s grave, like they had done that night in the abandoned lot. “I… I should have realised sooner. Darry’s right, I never use my head.” He laughed. “I can’t even remember if I kissed you, or if you kissed me. I guess it doesn’t really matter, anymore.” 

“I lied, I don’t think I can force myself to love someone else, at least not for a while. Johnny, you made me feel real. You noticed the sunset, you read with me. And now… and now, I don’t know what to do, beyond going to school and doing my homework and going to sleep.” 

He closed his eyes, feeling warm in the sun, and thinking about the night that changed everything. 

For once, Ponyboy had used his head, and asked Johnny to come with him to the movies. The flick hadn’t been very good, he couldn’t even remember what it was, so they walked home in silence. Soon, they found themselves in the abandoned lot, sitting on the ground and looking up at the dark sky. 

Like always, it was cold, and Ponyboy rubbed his bare arms, shivering a little.  
“Hey, you cold?” Johnny asked.  
“Not really.” he lied.  
Johnny took off his jean jacket, and pushed it towards Ponyboy. “Here, take this.”  
“Won’t you be cold?” Johnny shrugged.  
“It’s okay.” 

So Ponyboy slipped on his jean jacket, and threw an arm around Johnny, trying to keep him warm.  
“I’m going to run away from home,” Johnny quietly announced. “I’m sick of how my folks are treatin’ me, and I’ll be better off on my own anyways.”  
“Hey, don’t say that, Johnnycake, why don’t you come stay with us? At least for a little while?”

Johnny turned and stared at Ponyboy, his eyes full and beautiful. And then somehow, Ponyboy still had no idea how, their lips were gently touching. A kiss. Johnny’s lips were soft, and he suddenly thought that Johnny was beautiful. Not beautiful like how everyone would compliment each other’s hair, but really, truly, beautiful. Like how Sodapop talked about Sandy. 

And then they were apart, and they were standing up, and Johnny was wearing his jacket again, and Ponyboy was saying “let’s go to my house”. 

And then they were lying on Ponyboy’s bed, and Johnny was turned away but he could tell he was crying, and he reached out a hand to touch his back. 

“I’m sorry,.” Johnny mumbled. He kissed Johnny again, his second kiss.  
“Don’t be. I think… I think this makes sense, okay?” Johnny nodded, and pulled him close, where they eventually fell asleep. 

He must have dozed off because when he opened his eyes, the sky was darkening. 

“Shit!” he exclaimed, scrambling to his feet. “Johnny, I gotta go man, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth sooner, I’m sorry I didn’t make you leave that church first. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” 

Ponyboy stared at the grave, with a date too young, a date so unfamiliar yet forever burned into his brain. “Soda keeps telling me I gotta stop beating myself up about it, but at least I know I’m not totally hardened yet.” 

He finally went to leave, but turned back one last time. “I’ll see you soon, okay Johnny? I’m sorry, and I love you, still do. Stay gold, alright?”


End file.
